3 days
Jul. 28th, 2025 01:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iaaboura I really don't know what to say. I'm scared? I don't believe that anything will happen, but I'm still so worried.
I'm still having nightmares. ___ chases me in many of them. I don't whether I should trust my mom or my step dad more. It's really hard to pretend that I don't care that my girlfriend dumped me. I feel shame every where I go. No matter what, guilt follows me. I have this all so much.
Like, maybe I really am a fraud. That seems to be what ___ thought. A manipulative, abusive, liar. Maybe my brain is tricking me into thinking that I am the victim. Maybe my entire personality is a front for a very evil human.
Maybe, a human. I feel like a beating heart is my only human trait. I'm not creative, passionate, expressive, or anything. Everything that I try to mimick from other people. My writing is pitiful. I sicken myself.
I am not someone that deserves kindness or empathy.
I'm still having nightmares. ___ chases me in many of them. I don't whether I should trust my mom or my step dad more. It's really hard to pretend that I don't care that my girlfriend dumped me. I feel shame every where I go. No matter what, guilt follows me. I have this all so much.
Like, maybe I really am a fraud. That seems to be what ___ thought. A manipulative, abusive, liar. Maybe my brain is tricking me into thinking that I am the victim. Maybe my entire personality is a front for a very evil human.
Maybe, a human. I feel like a beating heart is my only human trait. I'm not creative, passionate, expressive, or anything. Everything that I try to mimick from other people. My writing is pitiful. I sicken myself.
I am not someone that deserves kindness or empathy.
I CANT BELIEVE I MISSED IT!!!
Jul. 27th, 2025 07:09 ametgetsphonedhome
Im bored af lemme go back to school :[
Jul. 27th, 2025 02:59 ametgetsphonedhome
THE RAPTURE BE UPON YE (it’s almost vacation)
Jul. 26th, 2025 07:34 pmcreekbunnybeen holding oute but it’s alMSOT VACSTION!!!!!!!! IN TWO DAYS!!!! YASSS!!!!!!!!!!! WE BALL!!!!!!!!!)!!!!!!!!!
ALSO NEW SEASON 27 SP EPISODE CAME OUR WENDESDAY AND JT WAS AWESUM
AND I THINK ANTOHER ONE IS CONING OUT WEDNESDAY NEXT WENNESSDAY TOO????? ITS PEAM???
ALSO NEW SEASON 27 SP EPISODE CAME OUR WENDESDAY AND JT WAS AWESUM
AND I THINK ANTOHER ONE IS CONING OUT WEDNESDAY NEXT WENNESSDAY TOO????? ITS PEAM???
6 days
Jul. 25th, 2025 12:20 amiaaboura I really don't know what I'm going to do on that day. If I find out that ___ did end up committing suicide, I don't know what I'd do. Grieve and commit, too? I can imagine myself in the future, but I've also spent so long knowing that I might have to do it in August 1st or whenever I know.
I think that the most likely scenario is that July 31st and August 1st will pass with me being incredibly anxious. Then, when school starts up again, I will see ___ and know that It could be okay. I don't know what I'd do if they tried to speak to me. They don't know for sure if j wanted to stop talking to them. I do even know. I have no idea.
I keep thinking about how riley is doing. I've been able to not think about it as much as possible. She's probably happy right now. I hope she is. She shouldn't have to deal with me or worry at all. I want her to be happy.
I think that the most likely scenario is that July 31st and August 1st will pass with me being incredibly anxious. Then, when school starts up again, I will see ___ and know that It could be okay. I don't know what I'd do if they tried to speak to me. They don't know for sure if j wanted to stop talking to them. I do even know. I have no idea.
I keep thinking about how riley is doing. I've been able to not think about it as much as possible. She's probably happy right now. I hope she is. She shouldn't have to deal with me or worry at all. I want her to be happy.
let go.mp3: cover!
Jul. 20th, 2025 10:05 pmcreekbunnyi hope th s works……. i did this trying to put the html n stuff in my phone mobile but it works when i play it so idk But anyways
here’s a thing!!! part of a cover i guess of let go by frou frou
here’s a thing!!! part of a cover i guess of let go by frou frou
feeling: ZAPPED!!! /ref
Jul. 20th, 2025 09:44 pmcreekbunnydon’t ever buy no gas form the gas station or switch out th e batteries from your taxer or whatever however it went Feelkng zapped or something idfk man anyways today sucked poop from a butt and i just hope tomorrow is better
first post!!
Jul. 20th, 2025 06:23 pmcreekbunnyhi everyone!
i’m new here, i literally just made an account today because i was reading a fic earlier and saw that an author had a link to this site and i was like “woah what’s this” and it seemed real cool to me ^ _ ^
anyhorse i hope it’s chill here :>
here’s a bunny with triple stacked pancakes as an introduction :P
i’m new here, i literally just made an account today because i was reading a fic earlier and saw that an author had a link to this site and i was like “woah what’s this” and it seemed real cool to me ^ _ ^
anyhorse i hope it’s chill here :>
here’s a bunny with triple stacked pancakes as an introduction :P
11 days
Jul. 20th, 2025 06:29 amiaaboura I tried writing this entry before, but I didn't like it. Now I don't even know what to say.
I feel sick. The same kind of sick I felt in May and early June when all I was allowed to do was text ___ for hours on end, apologizing repeatedly. I would do the same thing for her, but I know she wouldn't have it. I wouldn't want to hurt her anyway, much less tarnish her perception of me. Unless she lied to make it easier on me, she seems to remember our time together fondly. I wouldn't want to tarnish that.
But it's fine. I won't do anything. I tell my mom that I'm fine, because nothing is really different. Bathroom camping and disassotiating from conversations is just kind of what I always do.
Honestly, I expected myself to feel more, but I can't really muster up much sadness. I've cried a few times, don't get me wrong, but it's not really because I'm so upset from the break up. Or, it is. But it's not at the same time. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm fine. I'm decently okay and I feel guilty. Even though I KNOW that the overwhelming sadness and anguish comes later rather than sooner. It happens every time. I wasn't really crying about the act of leaving ___ until after the whole ordeal.
The first time I cried was initially when it happened. A few stray tears fell down my cheeks as my mom hugged me and I talked about everything. The second time was at my therapy appointment I conveniently had the next day. She kept asking me tough questions and my voice broke. I think that she could tell because she sent me off that day with Scooby Doo snacks. The third time was the day after that, Friday. I had went upstairs to hide in the bathroom for three hours. I really cried this time, even though I held back my sobs.
I think I'm going to go back on Prozac soon, having quit the medication a year and a half ago. It just got hard to continue to take it after the overdose I had with it. I had thrown up repeatedly the next day. It's what I continue punishment for either once again failing to kill myself, or maybe just the fact that I wanted to.
Maybe now it will be beneficial, if I stick to continuously taking it now instead of throwing away and hiding the pills. And even though I've been more busy with other things, my body issues still exist. Even with my self hating thoughts and body dysmorphia though, I've been having a good run with eating better. But now, I'm not even sure if it's still worth it.
The break up had definitely put me closer to the edge of wanting to get better and as bad as possible. Recovery or get worse, cut or don't cut, to die or to not die. I have so many opinions and there's nobody to stop me anymore! I'm not living for anybody anymore. Mom has more daughters. My siblings have more sisters. Friends have more friends. It goes on forever. I'm not significant enough in anyone's life to feel as if I should stay for them. It's freeing and so scary at the same time.
The fact that my girlfriend broke up with me for the same reason why my best friend justified ruining me for says something. It says something. I am a bottomless pit. I deserve whatever comes next. I know that it's only bad things. I don't even know why I tried getting better. This has always been and always will be my life. The wound is numb.
I feel sick. The same kind of sick I felt in May and early June when all I was allowed to do was text ___ for hours on end, apologizing repeatedly. I would do the same thing for her, but I know she wouldn't have it. I wouldn't want to hurt her anyway, much less tarnish her perception of me. Unless she lied to make it easier on me, she seems to remember our time together fondly. I wouldn't want to tarnish that.
But it's fine. I won't do anything. I tell my mom that I'm fine, because nothing is really different. Bathroom camping and disassotiating from conversations is just kind of what I always do.
Honestly, I expected myself to feel more, but I can't really muster up much sadness. I've cried a few times, don't get me wrong, but it's not really because I'm so upset from the break up. Or, it is. But it's not at the same time. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm fine. I'm decently okay and I feel guilty. Even though I KNOW that the overwhelming sadness and anguish comes later rather than sooner. It happens every time. I wasn't really crying about the act of leaving ___ until after the whole ordeal.
The first time I cried was initially when it happened. A few stray tears fell down my cheeks as my mom hugged me and I talked about everything. The second time was at my therapy appointment I conveniently had the next day. She kept asking me tough questions and my voice broke. I think that she could tell because she sent me off that day with Scooby Doo snacks. The third time was the day after that, Friday. I had went upstairs to hide in the bathroom for three hours. I really cried this time, even though I held back my sobs.
I think I'm going to go back on Prozac soon, having quit the medication a year and a half ago. It just got hard to continue to take it after the overdose I had with it. I had thrown up repeatedly the next day. It's what I continue punishment for either once again failing to kill myself, or maybe just the fact that I wanted to.
Maybe now it will be beneficial, if I stick to continuously taking it now instead of throwing away and hiding the pills. And even though I've been more busy with other things, my body issues still exist. Even with my self hating thoughts and body dysmorphia though, I've been having a good run with eating better. But now, I'm not even sure if it's still worth it.
The break up had definitely put me closer to the edge of wanting to get better and as bad as possible. Recovery or get worse, cut or don't cut, to die or to not die. I have so many opinions and there's nobody to stop me anymore! I'm not living for anybody anymore. Mom has more daughters. My siblings have more sisters. Friends have more friends. It goes on forever. I'm not significant enough in anyone's life to feel as if I should stay for them. It's freeing and so scary at the same time.
The fact that my girlfriend broke up with me for the same reason why my best friend justified ruining me for says something. It says something. I am a bottomless pit. I deserve whatever comes next. I know that it's only bad things. I don't even know why I tried getting better. This has always been and always will be my life. The wound is numb.